“If we love each person differently, what is love to the person?”
“No idea.” Jamie smirks, blowing a smoke circle, in the hotel already, both of us sitting on the floor to have an illusion of being grounded. He looks at me, trying to keep a serious face before laughing. “I do love you, though.”
“Would’ve never guessed.” I smirk, leaning towards him, pushing him against the side of the bed. He doesn’t move, waiting and neither do I, freezing the pre-kiss moment. “I love you too.”
“Asshole.” I tell him as he leans over to the bedside table to grab a cigarette and blows the smoke in my face. “You broke the moment.”
“Spare our bodies.” He smirks. He taps on the bed wooden bed frame. “If it helps, I felt like shit, when I first cheated on Alison.”
“I had no idea why was I doing it, but I knew I loved her and...” He gestures, cigarette now between teeth. “Miles, so I just went with it. It’s not like I loved any less.”
“It’s stupid of me to judge you. I may hate Miles’ guts and you might hate Alison’s, but it’s not for us to judge who does our dick want.” Jamie exhales. “Or soul or whatever.”
“...Why did you buy wine again?”
“To be sober.” He laughs. He presses his finger against the wine label, sliding it down. “Miles is like the sweetest person in the detective novel, yet ends up being the killer. He’s the climax, the sudden death.”
“Do we actually become someone who we don’t want to be?” I break his line of thought, just to get away from Miles and the memory of myself in his mouth, I clench the fabric of my pants, Jamie noticing my tense state, but rather just taking the wine bottle and pressing it against my fingers, as if we were back on the ship and I close my eyes, wishing the floor would rock just lightly, just for the illusion, that I could have the feel of his mattress or the odd small window, Hince’s books scattered.
“Maybe.” He pauses, taking a sip himself. I miss his wine glasses. Jamie looks up, as if there would be something written on the ceiling but we can’t even find ourselves.
“I pretty much cheated on you.” Jamie looks down, his piercing gaze cutting me off.
“I slept with Alison, I’m as guilty as you are.” He pauses. “We both know.”
“If you want, well... we still do, but we’re not exclusive.” Jamie pauses, he scratches his nose. “I... It’s none of my business who you sleep with and I guess likewise. But-”
I just stare at him, confused by the conversation rather the resolution.
“I’m happy to discuss or anything.” He rubs his elbow, dark green eyes on me.
“Same for you and Alison or whomev-” I start, but he interrupts, anxious, still not breaking the gaze, exposed and open.
“It’s just you and Alison.” I just manage an ‘oh’, drinking more wine and wondering when did it stop tasting bitter and seemed to give me a sense of Jamie’s deja vu. I hesitate for a bit.
“Frankly... It’s you and...” I’m not drunk, but I want to be, so I take four gulps, Jamie watching amused, as I feel it start burning and throwing my body into pain. “Messed up feelings.”
“Like Matt?” He smiles, intrigued and I just narrow my eyes at him and lightly punch him. “What? Can’t I be amused by your old love if I know you love me?”
We’re two morons with cheeks reddened by alcohol and own embarrassment, because you don’t really age, you remain the same, only people think you harden, you’ll still fucking laugh at the same ridiculous jokes only with different wording and perhaps less swearing. Jamie starts laughing.
“Do you know what Casablancas does when I go on shore leave?” Between laughs. I just shake my head, a bit confused.
“He brings puzzles, stating that since I’m onshore you don’t have to mop the decks as much.” He pauses, clearly drunk, holding the pause far too much. “Told Brian to make him mop the decks.”
I hold a laughter for quite a while, but the whole idea seems contagious before I burst laughing, leaning my head against his shoulder, that our laughter is now lightly muffled and I can feel his hand on the back of my neck, stroking.
“The fucking first thing... you ever told me, was if I wanted to mop the fucking decks, Captain.” I raise my head and we both catch each other off guard, but grinning like mad. It feels a bit odd when I recall our ranks and he’s there and he’s much more than what I see behind the bedroom or behind the books which I’ve found months in. Jamie taps his fingers against my neck.
“I knew you’d be attractive, you should be bait.” He paused. “I wonder if they jerked off...”
“Like is this one good enough?” He smirks. “Fucking hell. This whole thing is a bunch of queers running around finding ways to fuck.”
Jamie look at me, still smirking and pressing a quick kiss against my lips, as he pulls away I just kiss him again, feeling my whole self dissolve as I press against him, my tongue inside his mouth already, hearing a soft moan, as he spreads his legs lightly, pulling me closer. I feel like the hours are getting more limited and there’s too much written on the body and too much on the mind as he pulls me closer and I feel both of us grindr against each other. I slowly start standing up, pulling Jamie along with me as the broken moment of kisses are like cuts as we quickly resume them on the bed, entangled, suit jackets already gone, lips being pulled by each other and I want to talk about love, puzzles, his tousled hair, the fingers lifting up my shirt and tracing his fingers down my spine and up, avoiding my pants yet, breaking all moments just to stare at me and add the bitter in tomorrow’s morning. But at least we’re on the same ship.
I break the kiss, being on top of Jamie, my whole being flaring up, watching him pinned down, as I lean down to kiss his neck, my mind being parallel to everything, all the words staggered to make sure I wouldn’t forget anything and the fear of some denial during the next months as he’s gone just haunts me, flaunts me but there’s a sense of comfort and the moment twists everything around with his tongue on my own.
I wondered how many men had stayed in hotels, how many had sneaked in, pushed the double beds together or how many had lied their wife would join them and how everything had become a risk after being raised with the taboo topic on everyone’s mouth, that homosexuality was dying off with the modern times along with theft, murder slowly, that we were evolving and I would wonder if I was behind, but it seemed to switch back on, with the lights back in my room.
It’s a case of the mirror or seeing one’s lover which makes you question which was the right way of society.
Maybe it comes with one’s acceptance and that’s all we can do, when I kiss Jamie and I know that somehow we would bend it, even for our minds and the fact that we have is enough, hands pulling each other closer, Jamie’s crotch blatantly rubbing against my own, breaking just to look at each other to see what would be encrypted on the mind, because as soon as we depart the fear would sneak up on us and the faces would fade, as every moment would be spent recalling every patch of skin, every feel of the skin under the fingertips during a trace and memories would pile up, even the smallest of one or the other stealing the bed covers and how I would either be woken by Jamie to head back to my bunk or I would make out with him-
And all would come back soon and maybe on the small scale society of the ship all was fine, as long as the ground would hold the daftness of society back. It would be more than a disgusting lie to say that the ship wasn’t a very broken utopia for gay men, because once you pay attention in the canteen you can break down the men with whom they have slept, whom they have solely fucked and where had the drama gone to their heads, you could see lovers, you could see people engraved on each other’s wrists, you could see men who enjoyed more than one’s company, you could see much more complex relationships, you could see men who had much more up their sleeves, you could see men which were close but never sexual, but much beyond the law and friendship and I wondered sometimes regarding Julian and Carlos with their intimacy, but sex never graced them as far as I was aware of, their relationship vague and very queer.
My mind still wanders in circles, fear circulating and it’s far more intense when I had been with Paul, as I never really wondered how far my love had stretched, Paul and me seemed very on the surface and I would just spend a bit more time with Daniel, who would listen to me speak about missing Paul because it was solely me stating what he had been feeling as well, I was speaking what was lingering in our minds, it was as if reading about yourself, a censored a bit more friendly for society version.
I break the kiss, watching Jamie.
We both don’t say anything and I feel him beneath me, also not taking any action, his fingers stopped stroking my back and I just feel my breath stop as I watch him, as if it were a meeting for the first time with his hair barely holding any shape and mine must as well. I lean in to kiss him again, holding it, far too long, feeling the warmth and shape, holding myself from shaking. It feels as if this sex would be a verdict for the next months.
I wonder how many hidden pockets are there in society for men and women like us? How much does it stretch? And how come we are still forbidden? And I smell wine on his breath, but I presume I’m no better but the bitterness of the moment keeps us alarmingly sober even if our balance might not be the best, as I take off my shirt and undershirt, Jamie pulling me back.
Words get stuck in my throat, so I just start unbuttoning Jamie’s shirt, stroking him everywhere I can, to recall how his shoulders feel even through the fabric and my mind keeps fogging up until I feel my eyes water far too much and I imagine how would it feel the next few months and instead he pulls me closer and I feel that the heaters hadn’t matched the temperature desired to be shirtless inside and I just let him wrap me even more, neither of us bothering to go under the covers yet and I wonder what does the hotel staff even do with all the soiled bedsheets and how every fluid is just shrugged off as someone pleasing themselves in silence and I wonder how come we are all pardoned or maybe we are all just plunged in hell and I keep holding onto Jamie, both of us clinging, not saying anything.
I ease and break even more as he strokes the area under my ear, going up to my cheek and I close my eyes, praying that the tears would go away as I kiss his fingers. I feel like I need all the drinks in the world just to roll the dice and see if they would hold everything away, if they could make me hold onto the moment better without peeking onto the future.
And what would happen later?
There’s no doubt, there’s just sorrow and silence. I push his undershirt up, button up fully open, just to feel his chest against mine and I sigh against his chest, pushing myself lower and I hear his rapid heartbeat, wondering how often had I done this before and even muted with our own confusion and it starts bordering with desire to relive any memory on the ship, as I try to push some away, pushing myself back up to look at him, I feel as if I will forever be in turmoil because I’m on the edge of being alone for a few months. Letters would take weeks and weeks to arrive from either side.
And the alarm of Matt’s lack of replies also seems to trail behind in a voodoo manner.
And Jamie’s presence feels like something fading these days as if it would shine brightest and vanish. We both hold our silence, skin on skin, pants still on and in bed, but nothing seems to be spoken as the elephant in the room is much wider than longing, it feels as if something would just blow up and we seem to be holding from it and I wonder what had even happened with Alison and I just feel like I have to force myself to study, as if I were back to school to ask, because after that I wouldn’t have the chance to even ask him and now that the question is raised it only seems to be taunting me with it’s existence.
“How did...” You get rid of Alison? I redo myself. “How did you manage to get out of the dinner party?”
We hadn’t eaten actually and there is still much more time to even grab dinner somewhere or sneak in something here. Jamie grabs one of the pillows besides him and props it under his head, muttering it had been far too low and I recall how sometimes he wouldn’t spare a pillow, I wouldn’t spare the covers and somehow the solution of bundling up seemed more accepting than a faint torture of heat.
“Well...” He pauses. “I said you weren’t feeling too well, to which she said she had already told you your fortune, so that she suggested...”
“Might’ve shaken you up.” He doesn’t ask what was it, I presume he had seen Alison predict far too many things which people don’t speak of and I wonder how much had Miles asked her about Jamie. I wonder how many stories will I even hear tonight as the verdict of us staying up is more unwritten than ink could ever be. Jamie continues, now tapping his fingers against the bed covers, perhaps musing on cigarettes. “So she just told you to get well, really. Well... in short, she wasn’t too happy, asking why was I going to stay over and I said the ship was getting cleaned up so you didn’t agree to pair up with anyone and...”
He widens his eyes.
“Since you and Miles broke up, it would be unfair and neither him, I mean you, staying over would be fair, since you wanted to leave.” He sits up slightly and I follow him, tapping my pockets. I think both of us left the cigarettes wrapped up in both suits, discarded mercilessly on the floor, clashing with the rugs and just reminds us of undone misfortunes. The Captain smirks. “You and Miles broke up.”
I get off him and crawl to the end of the bed and I can only assume steadily that he is checking me out, as I smirk looking back and grabbing his suit. I raid the pockets until I find said wondered pack of cigarettes, also close to finish, food and cigarettes seems poetic but should be a reason to head out and Lana would be staying at Alison’s anyway.
I throw the pack at him, propping myself against the end of the bed. I watch him light his cigarette and throw the pack back at me.
“Not sharing? Sad, Hince, sad.” I recall how I had been told that using last names dehumanized us to not even the property of our parents, but made us more generic and it made me wonder for a while, as I had been younger then and Matt just passed on something his brother had told him. But it’s interesting how everything can be wrapped in any wrapper, how even myself calling Jamie by his last name now ended up being something nostalgic, some tongue in cheek reference before the lovers had ever stroked each other.
“How did you and Miles break up, anyway?” He asks and I wonder if I ever told. He had told his side and I wonder how delusional my past is and who had said what and if our past is like a book we’ve read when we were young, the memories we want could be staggered up and confused with someone else’s since everyone’s recall is different and I wonder what could I recall which Jamie couldn’t. In his eyes our first meeting was different, he had checked me out as he had said, while I just imagined a grump behind the book who couldn’t talk to Juju.
“He just... blamed me for Pete and Carl.” Jamie interrupts me.
“For their death?” He asks, not inhaling yet, watching me as if I were the pleasure at the tip of the cigarette.
“No.” I shake my head. “Before that, when you took them out of the bathroom, that’s the thing.”
“Oh.” Is his first reaction and I watch him inhale, still offering the cigarette with a gesture, but instead I open the box to produce my own out of it. Jamie still leans in, to light it and we smirk, holding our eye contact together, instead he presses his cigarette against my own and it takes longer to light and is fucking more than a dick metaphor, as I lean back, inhaling, feeling the smoke raid my mouth. “Well, that’s shitty, because he sent off a few people, one died in jail, but he had some pneumonia, but-”
He pauses. Jamie’s pauses seem to be meaningful, as he registers his words and chooses the right ones to reproduce even if they might be daft.
“He’s an asshole.” I just shrug, nodding, my feelings less than flared up for Miles now. He exhales, looking up, a bit tensed up as I watch his chest rise with a deep breath, no cigarette involved, smirking at the mentioned old lover Karen. “Sorry, I just obviously don’t like a former lover, besides Karen, but she’s a bitch too.”
“What about Alison?” I ask as if I were a jealous Miles and he just smirks, as if the question were from us both.
“I do love her, but...” He taps his cigarette between his fingers. “I see her concern, but she should see mine as well. I’ve done worse, but the sin is the same, the length stops mattering if both had murdered, how had they murdered is a real concern, but a murder is a murder within a marriage.”
Jamie speaks far too poetic and I just feel myself smaller, irritated how time is passing slowly because it feels like a badly and wrong taken suicide where nothing is working and I can still see my body alive and breathing, as if I were watching myself outside the room, watching through the icy window, not feeling the cold but rather the heat of the room inside where I watch myself slowly battle with life and lose, it giving its sprouts and misery.
It feels weird to look at my lover, wondering how much more do I have to hide every time I seem to be at my parent’s and everyone who I’d have known seems to have a different portrait of me in my head and if I were to tell it would just be too threatening unlike how it sometimes plays out now, with Alison calmly listening, not caring whose tongue I prefer, well, of course until she finds out that it’s her husband’s but by the end of the day it wouldn’t be the gender bothering her, same from Jamie’s side. It’s not even about gender anymore with the new people you would meet, but the fault is that even if I were to meet my past self, when I thought homosexuals were a sin, I would judge myself as well, so if I wouldn’t be able to accept myself back then, why would I allow the acceptance to come from someone from said era? When I was a child I would always imagine that everyone would go at their pace, that time was a relative subject to each and every one. That I could have Christmas while someone else was already dead, because life seemed to spiral everywhere, because people would feel time differently and it only seemed to make sense about the enormous amount of parallels through time and people.
And if I were my old self, where would Jamie actually be? And it felt as if I could give everything just to start again and feel myself ease and let everything replay again, just not to depart and the thought seemed to be cracking my mind open, slowing mind and letting more thoughts race through my bones and blood, breaking down everything in it’s path and causing major dysfunction.
“So, of course she wasn’t pleased... But she didn’t seem to know yet.” I watch him far too closely as he looks down, avoiding my gaze with his own words. “And neither do I. So maybe it’s fair...”
And the alarm of Matt’s lack of replies also seems to trail behind in a voodoo manner.
I'm not really sure where should I even do the chapter breaks and I've been awfully busy these past days, juggling everything and now making sure that I don't fall behind on Nanowrimo and guess what, apparently so far this month it's pretty much been the same fucking long day xD I dunno, I get anxious what if it gets boring because it's so detailed and yet, I get scared if it's not detailed enough XD
I end up writing rather often in chunks or just forcing myself through and it's mostly the fact that this is a pain to write because I really love them together and it pretty much means bringing out how me and Callie would meet up and would have to say our byes for the time being back when we were LDR and that's a bitch. So half of this chapter I would sit in the chair, forcing myself to write because I just felt so miserable describing everything and I need to post more often as I seem to be quite behind posting and that's why I've been doing chapters so long.
As I was writing I realized that the whole "I love you too much" thing was back when me and Callie just started dating and I remember we had the whole fuck, I love you so much which we still do, but before it was more of a 'holy fuck' while now it's pretty much eeeeeeeeeee I know this feeling and I love you xD eh, I'll just keep this to myself thank you very much xD
I tend to write the dialogue with witty replies between Alex and Hince and then I just add the annotations and whatnot, even if they're pretty much throwing replies at each other.
I think a big kind of inspiration for Jamie's acceptance and Alex's own is pretty much because even when you go reading on tumblr there's just everything wrapped in jealousy or don't talk to me about your other partners which really confused Callie and I thought would be granted when I came out as poly. So yeah, I think unfortunately me and Callie fall under the minority of couples which aren't in a triad or tribe which don't seem to have jealousy, I'll have myself talk to Callie about partners and interests and Callie would just listen and help and etc. So for me it's weird that a partner wouldn't understand even if I had that before, not from Callie though. I dunno, I'm awfully open to people who I care so yeah, even if I'm an awfully secretive person to everyone else.
So that's where the inspiration for Jamie and Alex as a couple comes, because I want nice non-triad accepting poly couples (even if in Alex's and Jamie's case they are both polyamrous, they don't have any other parties involved in their relationship).
I love Julian I think sometimes even more than any other character for his lightness and I awfully enjoy puzzles and it really really helps my depression and I'm stuck doing this enormous puzzle with Callie right now xD I have no idea when we will even finish it xD so I gave Julian my love for puzzles, that's why I love To Miles because I give all those small things I enjoy and don't even see as good props and they just become lively in the context of the story, like Alex's sewing.
Also I like doing the Alex/Miles parallels so that's why I'm just being honest and exploring the 'am I jealous' side of polyamory as well and in general I guess it follows my trend of cheating trend which I'd been exploring in Blue/Jacket. It's awfully impossible to keep writing just one story because I have to keep my emotions at bay rather than feeling angry and picking up PDD for instance xD
It's quite… heart shattering when you have to leave really and sex isn't even if you're fucking humping walls the easiest thing to do, so yeah.
And I'll keep my mouth shut for spoilers and I honestly hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did
Thank you, I'm off to write a bit more XD
To Miles 41
To Miles 41